


Leaving her

by Kezofgallifrey



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, Regeneration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 03:39:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2566874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kezofgallifrey/pseuds/Kezofgallifrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a 9th doctor view of the regeneration into 10th</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaving her

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this almost 10 years ago and forgot all about it until I went through my old gmail account and decided to post this up here.

You can’t do this.  
She emerges and her eyes are glowing with the light of anger and power. I  
know that light.  
Oh god, what’s she done now?  
All around me they crumble to dust but my eyes are fixed on her, filled with  
horror and wonder and-  
Admiration? That she could do what I was afraid of?  
Oh no.  
I run to her. She can stop now, she’s got to stop.  
A lump rises in my throat and I trace along her jaw line. She’s freezing to  
the touch. This isn't Rose speaking. It’s my ship, my TARDIS. It’s killing  
her.

I – I've been rehearsing this in my head since I met her, since I let that  
Dalek kill her I've known this would happen. I've been so scared, so  
confused. I've wasted the time fretting away whilst she danced with captains  
and pretty-boy scientists.

I liked Jack. Heck, for a while, I even liked Adam. But always I had this  
burning in my chest, like both hearts had seized up and my body was  
squeezing all the breath from my lungs. Even when Jack was ignoring her and  
making a move on me, which I always just laughed off, I felt the burning  
rage. Rose called it ‘captain envy’.

So now what do I say? I didn't mean for it to happen like this Rose, and I  
know you’ll hate me for it but-  
“I think you need a Doctor,” I mutter, and then I sweep in.  
My lips graze hers and already they’re tingling. I want to stop, to see that  
she’s okay, because her icy face is burning now with flame, but I can’t. I  
don’t want to do this – not because I don’t want to kiss, or because I don’t  
want to kiss Rose, or even because I don’t want the consequences, but I  
don’t want to hurt her like this – but I must. I close my eyes, blink back  
the tears, and thrust my lips deeper.  
And I'm exploring her, not her body but her mind and I almost lose what I’m  
thinking as she blows my mind away, because I can see everything in the  
universe, and it feels-

My tongue slides against hers and then, suddenly, I feel what I wanted. I brace  
myself as the pain floods into my face from hers and into my body.  
My mind lifts off and I can see it all, all but her.  
I'm blind to everything but nothing escapes my sight. I can see every time,  
every place. I see birth, life, death and all in a fraction of a second. I  
watch as entire galaxies are built and fall, I watch a child take it’s first  
steps, I watch a lover roll over in bed and a human teen reach out to take a  
cigarette. I watch as a man in a leather jacket leaps into a shop and grabs  
a blonde girl’s fingers, whispering ‘Run!’ in her ear.

I watch it all, and I'm powerless to stop or change it. I could create or  
destroy life with just a thought but my mind restrains me. I restrain  
myself, my fingers clenching something warm in front of me as I shudder,  
pushing it to the back of my consciousness, clutching at the last straws of  
my sanity and soul.  
I'm laughing and I'm crying and I'm wrenching from her mouth, my  
knees buckling under her weight as she falls into me.  
She looks at me, eyes full of wonder, and she faints.

She wakes again and I want to tell her, to touch her and kiss her but I  
can’t, I never can again, because that would mean this would all be in vain.  
I've called her stupid ape but she knows I joke, when it’s really true. I'm  
so much higher that I can’t even touch her hand to let her know it’s okay,  
because only a body as complex or a mind as powerful as mine can even hope  
to restrain it. But not for long.

And shocks run through my veins as the Time Vortex rages inside my body,  
turning inwards. It doesn't want me to do this, it screams that I'm too  
important, but I won’t let it control me and I forcefully remind my ship  
who’s the captain, kicking it.  
So it surges into my body.  
And I look at her, and she looks at me, and I know she remembers and wants  
me to say the words.  
But I don’t. Instead I tell her about Barcelona, and dogs with no noses, and  
–  
And then I’m thrown back as my stomach dissolves in it’s own acids and my  
veins start to flood my body with electricity, all rushing to the hearts.  
I force her to stay back and I try to explain about how I’ll still be here.  
I can’t bring myself to explain how I won’t feel next time I see her.  
Her eyes search me and they beg me to say those three words I'm screaming in  
my head, but the pulse is rising and I can’t think.  
A smile breaks onto my face as I fall and stumble.  
“You know what, Rose Tyler?” I croak through the pain, hissing out the words  
through gritted teeth.  
And now I have this last chance, a few seconds spared me to say them.  
To tell her that I love her.  
And I can’t.

“You were…fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.”  
She smiles and I've done the right thing, and I begin to laugh, even as the  
life drains from my body.  
“You know what?”  
I pause, look up at the ship, and look at her, and look at myself, and I  
know I failed her. But that doesn't matter any more. And I grin that grin.  
“So was I!”

My head throws back and the light bursts from every pore in my body.  
I'm dying so fast I haven’t time to bear it and my mind and body flee the  
space, and the body’s cast into the time vortex as it fades. I’ll never be  
here again. I’ll never touch her again. He will. And he’ll never tell her  
what I should have.

I feel the new form arriving, pushing me out, and we reach a mutual  
agreement. She’s not his, she’s mine. She is not his and she’ll never be  
mine. She’s untouchable.

My last image is of her, curled in terror, but smiling through the fear as  
she stares at me. She doesn't know I'm dying. Doesn't know the pain and  
never will. Never crosses her mind I'm dead now. Because she can see a new  
me coming.  
I whisper the words I always wanted to say through lips that don’t exist  
any more, and then I open up my mind and jump into the vortex in my head,  
leaving her forever.  
Leaving her with me. But not me.  
Leaving her with him.

 


End file.
